I entered this world in April 1978, in a small country called "the Netherlands".
I have always loved stories and have always asked difficult questions. I search for answers in my own way, by living, writing and loving, and I share what I can.
I have experience in psychology, writing, English language teaching, children and young people, and much more, but I do not want to attach any labels to it, as I do not believe in self-appraisal and I also think out-of-the-box.
loses his job, then, feeling quite the loser, instead becomes a boozer.
escapes abusive relationship, then falls prey to exactly the same type of
misogynistic, masochistic monster.
Our true selves know. They have always known. They are knocking on our doors, yet we do not open, as if they were pertinacious Yehova’s Witnesses or relentless debt collectors.
dread the ill news they bring, the news of hope and change, of purpose, the
real news we need to hear.
we are naturally inclined to revolt against needs which cause such dismay and
unrest, we are tempted to follow wants instead of needs.
list of wants may seem endless: consumer goods, drugs, alcohol, sex, enchanting
sights, squishies, seductive smells, self-serving ideas, intellectual
achievements, Girl Scouts Caramel Chocolate Chip Cookies, comforts, repetition,
instincts, emotions, depression, patterns, and familiar, but horrific types of (abusive)
good news – and I do not mean Yehova’s Witnesses here – knocks gently on our
doors, we often crawl back under the safety of our blanket of familiarity.
it bangs on the door and adversity strikes, we dig deep into the seemingly rich
soil of those wants, which develop into extremities, monstrosities of addiction
and derealization, anything that can numb the pain.
Tragically, even at the bottom, when we realize that none of the tempest’s promises have come true, we are often unwilling to exchange wants for needs, and grow bitter in contempt or denial.
And the more we deny, eventually, the louder our true selves will come knocking at the door. It is us who have to find the courage and strength of will to open it, for it will never open by itself. And once the door is opened, something majestic happens, that humbles us and makes us wish we could take back all our wrongs. Why didn’t we choose needs rather than wants, why didn’t we submit to purpose and fulfillment rather than to denial and escapism?
is the key to life, it covers most of the Earth’s surface, it is one of the
main ingredients for the recipe of our body, and we need to drink plenty of it
in order to survive. It is used in spiritual rituals, cools us comfortably during
hot summers, and also dampens the spirits of forlorn creatures in autumn, when
it pours down relentlessly for days on end.
can also be a destructive force, for instance when a massive tsunami wave
crashes down onto a hapless coastal settlement, ruining the forsaken coast
can be a perfect ice cube, all it’s power and virility seemingly contained.
evaporated, it becomes like a ghost, unseen yet present, transforming into
raindrops or even snowflakes if conditions allow it.
is the versatility of the phenomenon called water, and what does that tell us,
at least as an analogy? Much, but let’s focus on the different states.
ice cube. Frozen water. On first impression flawless and motionless. In reality
more complex than that, but for the sake of my argument, let’s assume it is in
a perfect state of order. Fascinating as it might be, it is also rather
lifeless. Imagine being turned into a statue, like in a fairy tale, frozen in a
certain state, never able to get out of it. Or, if you still want to allow for
some mobility, being stuck in a day, a day that keeps repeating itself in exactly
the same order and manner in an endless cycle. Both the static and cyclic state
seem rather miserable, right? Let that be the extreme of perfect order.
let’s zoom in on the tsunami again. A huge wave creating havoc. Death, destruction,
despair. Only miracles of a spiritual nature, or marvels of a scientific origin,
could heal what was hurt, and restore what was lost. Some will be traumatized
for life, others will be financially ruined. Such is the cost of chaos, the
extreme seems desirable. Neither the state of order nor the state of chaos can
sustain life. And yet both are necessary. The magic happens at a very small
area in the middle, a kind of “golden zone”, where chaos provides the degrees
of freedom, and order helps maintain some kind of continuity, an equilibrium. Not
a static equilibrium, but one that is fed by chaos, adapts, grows, and even
learns. This is where complexity occurs, where all that makes existence
beautiful and lively emerges, and where intelligence comes into existence.
is like total freedom, randomness, meaninglessness, unpredictability, and instability.
It is movement without purpose, without direction.
is the opposite: it is control, rigidity, predictability, and stability. It is
either static or cyclic (though the latter seems more apparent in this
universe, which seems to be always in motion).
is the moving equilibrium between those two extremes, a delicate balance where order
maintains form, but chaos allows it to grow more complex and better adapt to
the conditions of its context of existence. Going to either of these extremes
will lead to either stagnation and maladaptation (too much order) or decay and
These ideas of order, chaos, and complexity, if you ask me, can be used, to describe things that happen in the universe, from the smaller scales of particles (like in thermodynamics) to the larger scales of galaxy formation. They can be used to describe the dynamics of the human mind, and those of human society. Something I am trying to do in my book, which is still in progress.
the conditions of the early universe would have been too random, or rather too
rigid, galaxies, and life as we know it, would probably never have evolved.
concepts of order, chaos and complexity seem to be very useful in describing
what I see and experience, what I rationalize about, whatever their scientific
worth may be.
what does all of this tell us about the more spiritual side of existence, on
which I have been writing stubbornly for the last few years?
consider the ocean: vast, seemingly endless, borderless, shapeless, humbling,
inspiring, majestic, and remorseless. If you behold her like a poet would, not
a scientist, she takes no definite shape, but incessantly flows and brings
forth waves. She consists of countless individual drops, yet those drops are
part of the whole and have sacrificed their stricter individuality, they are “one”.
Everything that could be formed out of the ocean’s water, either as a whole or as
a part of her, is in a way already there, like ice cubes, snow flakes, or even
ice sculptures. However, none of those forms are manifested, they remain latent
yet are always potentially there.
water evaporates from the ocean, cooling down and eventually transforming into
hailstones, these hailstones are like “manifested order”. Like Erwin
Schrödinger’s proverbial “cat”, from the Quantum Mechanics thought experiment, which
seems to be in two conflicting states: alive and dead, suddenly coming alive as
a manifested creature, as in the collapse of a quantum wave describing the
possible states of existence.
ocean, the unmanifested, called Brahman in Hindu philosophy – the Absolute, the
pure and formless ground of being from which creation and manifestation arise –
is NOT chaos, or change. It is absolute flow, but as it is formless, it is not
change. Change and chaos (the extreme version of change) only occur when there
is order, when something has already been manifested, when something has arisen
out of nothingness. So when the tsunami wave crashes down onto the coastal
settlement, it causes chaos because the coast and the settlement were already
there in the first place.
the unmanifested ocean which I will now call the “higher reality”, and to which
I have referred many times in earlier writings, all those things that can be
described using the concepts of chaos, order, and complexity also exist, but
not as a manifested form, as they are always in motion, and always “whole”,
divided yet one. As it seems impossible to fully comprehend, let alone clearly describe,
what this vast ocean of the unmanifested actually is, we mortal manifestations
of that higher reality might refer to it in various abstract or comforting
terms, and from a religious perspective that could be what is meant by “God”.
the drops in the ocean, at the deepest level, we are part of this higher
reality, and yet we experience existence as something that is manifested in a
certain mold we refer to as the physical universe. We experience a distinct
self, related to a distinct body, in a world full of other distinct forms and
other distinct, conscious beings, behaving as if separated, following sets of physical
rules which may be uncovered through the various sciences, within a framework
of space and time which, at least at the macroscopic level, to the conscious
mind, seems to unfold as a one way deterministic trip from past to future; and
even science, probing this manifested universe only, has a thing or two to
teach about this seemingly unidirectional movement of time and space –
especially at the smallest scales, where past and future states, or rather even
time itself, seem nonexistent.
order must be manifested in order for chaos to emerge, and growth (complexity)
arises due to the interplay of those two extremes, at a very specific, optimal
intersection. Complexity, therefore, must seem nonexistent too in the formless
ocean that is unmanifested higher reality, right? It is like everything you
will ever be, and everything you ever can be, already exists. What is the point
of growth? In manifested reality, you might want to find and embrace the ocean,
which you had forgotten when you embraced (or were determined to embrace) mortal
life. Then the whole journey toward spiritual enlightenment would just be an
uncovering of what was lost, and finally overcoming that amnesia fully, forever
forsaking the distinct self that had forgotten its true origins.
is my belief, therefore, that through life in the manifested world, something
is gained, a way of perceiving the unmanifested that would otherwise have been
impossible. And I am confident that we are each on our own personal quest to
find our own purpose in this bewildering enrichment of consciousness, to find
our own true voice in the all-encompassing, time and space-independent heavenly
choir of meaningful experience, a unique unity which may only be achieved by
overcoming all our shortcomings, and our egocentric self, as those lead to the
state of duality which traps us in the illusion of conflicting manifestations,
in its most extreme form a kind of hell of separateness and isolation.
embark on this journey, defy the odds, embrace the ocean fully, and, once
discovering your true sound, add your own fabulous voice to the orchestra of
Image: Albert Bierstadt – The
Shore of the Turquoise Sea
The self we identify with is rooted in a world of finity and franticness, of desire and despair, of manifestation and meaninglessness.
Her fate is sealed by the physical, by neurons and experiences that narrate her tale and live her life before she is even aware of it. The mental slavery of the mind which is situated in this deterministic realm cannot be abolished. It is this self, that is both the victim AND the perpetrator, of all its tragedies.
self, however, is NOT the true self.
true self is not bound by the physical, by time and space, the limitations
posed by the brain and the deterministic universe. The realm of the true self
is infinite, ever changing, with endless creativity as well as fluidity, and,
although seemingly not as absolute as the physical realm, much more profound
true self is like the whole realm of infinitely possible forms of existence of
the self, of all possible questions and all possible answers, the most ideal and
true reality, the ultimate realization of the individual but in unity with
everything else that could possibly exist.
true self may fade away over time, as the physical and emotional self and realm
is identified with, and may even seem to be cast into oblivion, but once
rediscovered, it may express itself, even in the physical realm. The self that
is aware of its true inner self:
Does not judge;
Is passionate but never obsessive;
Knows things with clarity without the need for logic, evidence or sound arguments;
Is never confused in distinguishing right from wrong;
Is irrigated by the river of wisdom and creativity;
Has a sense of self and unity that does not depend on any condition, acquired characteristic, or acknowledged achievement;
Knows its purpose and calling, even in the midst of tragedy;
Radiates joy and friendliness, blows a gentle breeze of compassion, and is anonymously generous like a fertile meadow in full bloom;
Is elegant, subtle, graceful and fluid like the northern nights;
Is deserving of all appraisal and love yet without the desire to obtain these.
A shining gem of perfection the true self may seem when unveiled, it remains forever out of reach for those who dwell in the dust of this ephemeral existence. As long as we live, we mortals can only try to open as many doors as possible to let the true self in, however, we will never truly reach the optimal realization in this life. Still, it is the best and only thing we can do to find meaning, overcome suffering and ignorance, and fulfill our purpose – whatever that may be.
are attracted to things, possessions, achievements, pleasures, people, ideals,
values, concepts, and anything between heaven and earth that rewards us
temporarily with neurological highs.
At the same time we feel aversion towards things that hinder satisfaction, or that put as in any kind of disadvantage, even suffering.
When we attain certain things, and they become valuable, like luxury goods, titles, money, a partner and, especially, our own self, our ego, we feel affiliation with them – identify with them – and they become part of who we are, of the who we present to the world, and the who we enjoy looking at in the mirror. We grow attached to those shiny rubies of experience.
thing is, none of it is durable, none of it lasts, so we keep on looking for
reinforcements or replacements. It does NOT work. We can fool ourselves, and
fool others, but deep inside, our TRUE SELF knows it is just a load of utter
we embrace and start feeding our true self, we will become conflicted. We might
get stressed, frustrated, scared, or even angry. The mind does not like such
conflict, but it is for the best, we have to overcome and persevere.
have talked about the true self before. Let’s introduce the concept of
sacrifice. In some cultures it is commonplace to perform ritual sacrifice. Such
ceremonies might be aimed at feeding the poor and creating greater social
awareness, but sacrifice goes much deeper than that.
certain religious traditions (especially the Abrahamic ones) it is narrated
that certain people who were searching God, were asked to sacrifice the lives
of their spouse or children. Now, most would (hopefully) not agree with
actually killing family members to appease God, but it is paramount to try to
appreciate and acknowledge the significance of the willingness to “give up
matters, it seems to me, in such extreme cases, is the coming to a realization
that nothing in this world should be hold so dearly as to never wanting to part
with it under any circumstance. It should be clearly stated, however, that I do
not intend for this to mean “to not hold anything dearly”, or to actually give
those things up. On the contrary, I encourage holding dearly to what matters,
to people who matter, in life, however, not to the extent of sacrificing one’s
true self. The crucial lesson here is to let go of all identification with
anything else than the true self. One can still love, care, and even achieve –
as a matter of fact, when embracing the true self primarily, such love can
become even more profound! – but one is no longer bound by them to the realm of
the finite and manifested, the universe of unavoidable tragedy. It will
transform the self from a self of wants into a self of needs, and from a self
of needs into a self of being. A self that simply is, without any need of
becoming anything else than itself.
do not need to be drastic and dramatic, like in the case of hermit monks or the
people told about in religious traditions. Small sacrifices are small steps,
but small steps can lead to bigger ones, and even the change in awareness, and
the willingness to change associated with these small steps, can bring about a
whole chain reaction in the self.
The sacrifices made are not just for the sake of those who might benefit from them, even more so they are for the sake of our own betterment, for the salvation of our true self. And the salvation of our true self is the best gift we can provide our loved ones with, a beautiful self is worth more than the world’s most expensive jewels.
We mortals seem to be doomed to live our lives as slaves, ruled by the ruthless slaver called emotional response, a relentless beast that gets a firmer grip on our well-being the more painful experiences are added to our experience.
Are we destined to suffer the life of slaves, the life of agony? Are we programmed to get angry every time we hit heavy traffic or encounter a case of severe weather when it is least opportune to us, even though part of us knows it is pointless?
If you read about the science of the brain and free will, you might come to such a mortifying conclusion.
That, however, does not take into account the superpower of acceptance.Generations of philosophers and countless mystic traditions have inspired us to find that power, but most of us take no heed. I was no different. Always got frustrated, depressed or scared when life lashed out with its whip of confrontation. I finally figured out that there are only two choices: be a puppet of pain, or a superhero; be enslaved, or free.
Whatever we resist, becomes a blockade, which drains us of energy, spirit and creativity, and eventually can lead to chaos: a disruption of the system in the form of psychological illness and misbehavior. We either shut down in depression, explode into fury, or tremble out of fear.
Acceptance is the only way to go, and in intercourse with other beings, but even in relation to the whole of existence – which is all interconnected – forgiveness is a power not to be reckoned with. The MORE you can accept AND forgive, the more FREEDOM you will attain! You can abide in traffic like a wise master, and sit out a violent storm like an enlightened being, by virtue of the elegant power of acceptance.
Emotions are intentions, directions, masters of their own, but struggling in endless conflict with their irrational opposites and extremes, and with the impossibility of their realisation. Freedom lies not in want or will, it lies in an absence of want, the blissful void of acceptance.
Acceptance of yourself and of small setbacks leads to a small state of flow, like when playing tennis. Acceptance of all the exists and happens, even the most horrific truths and immeasurable agony, is the key to ultimate freedom, the path to be truly human, superhuman.
Conquering the final frontier of existential bondage, the serfdom that binds us to our experiential overlords, is the only true freedom that can be acquired in mankind’s tragic existence.
The question is, do you want to serve, or rule? Use your superpower or be subdued by it?The choice, albeit a hard one, is yours to make.
People lie all the time, they lie socially, professionally, or even in the name of a religion.
Your eyes (in reality it concerns the parts of your brain dealing with vision) lie, when pretending to represent a consistent visual reality, which can easily be disproved through experiments with optical illusions.
The memory of a crime suspect lies, when interrogators use too “convincing” techniques to force a confession.
Similarly, the brain of a psychiatric patient lies, when remembering child abuse that did not actually take place, but was suggested with ample psychological conviction and influence by a therapist.
Even a photon, one of the many sent on a light-speed journey from the Sun to Earth, lies, if it claims to be a particle, rather than a wave, or the other way around. At least it is the instrument causing the interference in the quantum state, that lies, or the brain of the person operating it. I am far from well-versed in the intricacies of physics, let alone astrophysics, yet these ideas seem significant to me in this context.
Big, manifest things like trees lie, while actually being collections of cells, which are actually organised molecules, which are actually atoms – with unimaginably large voids of seeming nothingness separating them – which are actually protons, neutrons and electrons, which are actually quarks (as “strange” and “charming” they may portray themselves), which are things we can hardly visualize at all in our imagination.
The whole universe lies, pretending to be rich and full, hundreds of billions of galaxies each oozing with the light and life of hundreds of billions of stars – and presumed planets, while actually expanding toward a state of emptiness so vast it can never be bridged.
Even science, though it may humble us enough to sacrifice other lies, may lead to its own lies, if its adherents claim to have come close to an understanding of the deepest layers of truth, while it may never be proven, through traditional science, how the reality we all share and call the universe, is rooted into the more definite reality which must lie beyond, and which we may never fully understand. Who is to say we can ever escape the biases ingrained in our very being, the fact that we were already born into a certain predetermination toward order, the laws and inclinations that made life possible, and that somehow emerged out of the soup of chaos that was the early universe. There is no range of parallel universes available to us – with current abilities and understanding – to do a control experiment, by means of which we could see if our perceived state of our own universe could be generated from random and varying conditions at conception.
All that is manifest and to which we attach ourselves is a mere lie if we take it for granted and fail to see the mystery and uncertainty behind “existence”, the majesty of the unknown, the chaos that is actually the very origin of order.
Yet, most self-proclaimed truths are impostors who do an awfully convincing job of letting us believe they are our salvation, rather than our doom.
The unknown, the pit of nothingness, which many of us fear, is the true source of existence, the Higher Reality where there are no restraints, limits, boundaries, discriminations, flaws, definites, absolutes, paradoxes, irrationalities, vanities, concepts, percepts, or any forms that might show the faintest trace of persistence.
That is the One Truth, the very source of wonders we need to embrace, a fearsome, yet immeasurably magnificent ocean, unbound by the ruthless masters of space and time, where we, as individual drops, loose all the ignorance of individuality and ego, but acquire the kind of freedom that does not exist in ordinary reality.
Only in true surrender, true acceptance, true sacrifice, and true humility, can this truth be obtained, if it can ever be obtained to its fullest. Plunging into the deep can be frightening, having to drown first and loose everything, but it will be ever so rewarding, once we are reborn and refurnished as a more enlightened being.
Nothing new on the horizon. Things, however, often tell a different story on closer inspection. Language is key to facilitate communication, and communication often fails, leading to either hilarious or disastrous situations.
An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?”
The student replied, “It is obviously past.”
Life on Mars
When Italian astronomer Giovanni Virginio Schiaparelli began mapping Mars in 1877, he inadvertently sparked an entire science-fiction oeuvre. The director of Milan’s Brera Observatory dubbed dark and light areas on the planet’s surface ‘seas’ and ‘continents’ – labelling what he thought were channels with the Italian word ‘canali’. Unfortunately, his peers translated that as ‘canals’, launching a theory that they had been created by intelligent lifeforms on Mars.
Convinced that the canals were real, US astronomer Percival Lowell mapped hundreds of them between 1894 and 1895. Over the following two decades he published three books on Mars with illustrations showing what he thought were artificial structures built to carry water by a brilliant race of engineers. One writer influenced by Lowell’s theories published his own book about intelligent Martians. In The War of the Worlds, which first appeared in serialised form in 1897, H G Wells described an invasion of Earth by deadly Martians and spawned a sci-fi subgenre. A Princess of Mars, a novel by Edgar Rice Burroughs published in 1911, also features a dying Martian civilisation, using Schiaparelli’s names for features on the planet.
While the water-carrying artificial trenches were a product of language and a feverish imagination, astronomers now agree that there aren’t any channels on the surface of Mars. According to Nasa, “The network of crisscrossing lines covering the surface of Mars was only a product of the human tendency to see patterns, even when patterns do not exist. When looking at a faint group of dark smudges, the eye tends to connect them with straight lines.”
It will suffice to say that a good understanding of language is key to communication and communication is key to solving problems, in ANY area, for people from ANY walk of life.
Is English a language that can help solve (communication) problems because of its global coverage?
Language is connected to knowledge and knowledge enables freedom.
This freedom exists (not exlusively) by allowing access to:
information other cultures
education other ideas
jobs other opinions
services new perspectives
sources other press
wisdom other technologies
It is also a tool to fight illiteracy, and to help establish, and maintain democracy – as far as democracy goes in this world of giants with giants’ appetites and giants’ impatience with the burdens of righteousness and regulated fairness.
English is the most widely and extensively used language in important areas, like the internet, science, industries, and professional sectors.
There can be no advancement without knowledge, understanding, and cooperation, and communication. And the key to communication is language. Language (global languages, like English) might unite those who are opposed due to ignorance.
Two languages, two worlds.
You cannot deny that you are Indonesian, and you cannot deny that you are living in a globalized world.
Love Indonesia, understand the world
Know your roots, your identity
I have had students complaining to me that they hated their language, culture, or even country. The outside world lures, but is not always what she appears, and the aversion towards the familiar can blind us to her inner beauties. These beauties must be rediscovered if you want to come to an understanding and acceptance of yourself, which is crucial to coming to an understanding and acceptance of the world around you.
Know yourself in order to know others
Know others in order to know yourself
Know Indonesia in order to know the world
Know the world in order to know Indonesia
The importance of teaching
Teaching religion is the noblest of callings, teaching in general might well come second.
It might also be considered one of the most daunting of professions, unless you, as a teacher, learn how to:
Care about, listen to, and understand your students;
Be yourself, find your own voice;
Love even the most challenging of students;
Be honest, admit mistakes and limitations;
Make them love English, BE their LEGEND;
Teach them learning, context, creativity, courage, confidence, authenticity;
Find your inner source of peace, so the class will be at peace too.
Me as a teacher
I wasn’t born a teacher and most certainly never though of becoming one. I did not wake up one night exclaiming, ‘I know what the very reason for my existence is, being a teacher is my true calling!’
In fact, when I moved to Indonesia pursuing other ambitions, it just happened to be one of those why-not-give-it-a-chance opportunities that presented themselves. It was a struggle at first, especially the class management, but for the following reasons I came to grow in affection for the vocation:
I give special attention to those students who make their teachers’ lives extremely difficult. They sometimes come to respect me for that, even though they will not always say it in so many words.
I try to be patient and care for those students who are shy, or are unable to keep up with the rest. If they grow in confidence, even if just an inch, it makes me extremely happy.
I always try to find my own voice, style and solution to problems. Following the advice of others to the letter has in most cases only made things worse than before. Trying to find my own voice also means using my creativity. I always make my own games, activities and stories, to make the lessons more interesting and give them something to look forward to. Judging by the responses and hugs of the students, and the feedback of the parents, it seems to pay off.
Too many English as a Second Language (ESL) learners are exposed to mainly grammar and vocabulary, frequently failing to understand the context, but also the broader perspective in which the language is and can be used. Sometimes they are taught that they sound smart when using fancy vocab, but it takes a great deal of literacy, experience, and subtle understanding of the language to use those weapons of impression convincingly!
Happy New Year and all the love and blessings you need!
I usually don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions (Actually, I still don’t), and casual words of wisdom related to Christmas, New Year’s Eve or any other occasion typically strike me as a bit naïve.
Change comes when it has to, when the person is ready. But even if we are not ready, some inspiration may be taken to heart, only to be used at a later time.
Here are some “words of wisdom” which are based on my own experience, some day they may be of use to those who are able to relate.
The key to win the hearts of others is to find your inner purity and calmness, and allow others to share in that still water, absorbing all imperfections and allowing them to be themselves.
The solution to solve conflicts is to give up the need for “justice”, as that is just an ego thing, but to replace it with understanding and acceptance, without sacrificing or changing yourself into an expectation of others.
Sometimes suffering due to mistakes in life is unavoidable, because spiritual growth depends on the progression of insight, and if you are not ready for the next step upwards, you need to fall downwards first.
Using medicine or therapy to solve Issues might help you daily life get on track, but often these problems have an important story to tell, and the lessons learned from these stories may inspire the great things that we often admire or envy in others.
Let 2018 be the year of purity, the year in which we listen to the stories that our challenges and tragedies are trying to tell us!
About the picture: Caspar David Friedrich – Der Wanderer über dem Nebelmeer (Wikimedia Commons)
Raising kids is one of the most challenging “professions”. Being a parent is a “job” that lasts for years or even a lifetime, and you cannot – reasonably – quit or ask for better terms and benefits.
Before they go to school, those fascinating creatures under your charge will learn mostly in the environment sustained by their parents, but as soon as school comes into the picture, this shaping and modelling environment expands, and other rolemodels will start setting the examples. And don’t forget that they have their very own temperaments, finetuned to their own needs, not yours.
Yes, it can be rewarding at times, when they show their affection or proudly demonstrate the new skills they’ve acquired. But often you might feel powerless and tired.
So if we feel overpowered and exhausted, what is the biggest Issue? Perception. I will explain later.
As a parent, I have learned about, and tried to use, authoritative and permissive styles, and a mixture thereof.
Many people have been giving advice, often contradicting that of others. I did not even try popular books, that follow trends every few years. It just doesn’t add up for me.
But I started to pay attention to what was actually going on when I felt like a bad parent. I noticed that if I was tired, feeling out of control, or otherwise struggling with myself, my kids were also more restless, naughty and moody.
The first thing I tried to change was aligning my behavior with my words. So instead of just asking or commanding them things to do, I would also make myself a rolemodel, acting out what I said. That helped to some extent, but I still felt discord and frustration.
Then I went a little deeper, trying to open myself to the kinds of spiritual ideas I have been playing with for the last few years. Then it became evident to me that the kids connected to whatever state of consciousness I was in.
If I felt harmony, positivity and control, they would be easier to manage too. If I slid into a state of “duality” and my thinking mind would pull me into negative spirals of thoughts, the resulting disfunctional emotional chaos would be picked up by my kids and they would express the same kind of chaos in a different way. They would either be angry, naughty, unmotivated or they would just complain all the time. They would seek attention, any type of attention, even negative.
But, the key was not just the attention, because that would not lift them up to a more balanced state of mind. The key was the kind of attention that would help them connect to MY unity, rather than MY duality.
So, how to do this?
First you need to create unity in yourself (please refer to earlier posts about [non-]duality and living in the present) and observe and accept everything, resulting in freedom and peace of mind. You will notice that it gives you a perception of control. Not full control, that’s fear, but the kind of control a surfer has over his surfboard while mastering the big waves of the sea. Then, PERCEIVE.
Perceive the duality in your child. Understand it, act it out and respond to it, without using your own sense of unity. Then, once that ship is sailing, wait patiently for your child to slowly, but surely, connect to you. Invite them softly, absorb their expressions of disruptive emotions and duality without judging, without being triggered into an emotional state too – apart from kindness.
You can often cancel disruptive emotions by working with opposite states, like waves with opposite forms that cancel each other out, but eventually silent and peaceful acceptence will be the state of mind that the are invited into, so they can fully connect to unity.
I know this sounds easier than it actually is, and a little abstract, but it is something you can experiment with, if you already have a little bit of a background in spiritual ideas related to non-duality.
And this works in any type of relationship, not just the relationship with your kids.